This is it, the end of the line. You can't go back and you can't go any farther, you're just here. There is nothing around you; no dark, no light, no air to breathe, no sound to hear. It's just nothingness.

This is the single car that will absolutely thwart any possibility of sexiness while driving.

When I was in high school they opened the first Spaghetti Warehouse in Virginia, and as luck would have it, the terrible franchise restaurant opened just a few miles from my house. Of course there were no actual warehouses there, so they had to first erect a brand new building and then make it look like an old, used up warehouse by bricking over the windows. Good call guys. Authenticity is one thing, but faking authenticity is one sure fire way to fail.

In order to generate even more interest than a used up warehouse in a shopping center would generate, the manager bought an Owosso Pulse and parked it outside on the sidewalk. From the first moment I saw it, I knew that it was the least sexually appealing car I had ever seen in my life. I used to joke about surprising my prom date by showing up in the poxy little dildo car instead of a limousine. We agreed that would be the dumbest thing ever, because the Pulse is the dumbest car ever.

If you are not inclined to agree with me, I have prepared an indexed review of the Owosso Pulse's many shortcomings, and I advise you to quit your position forthwith.

Aesthetic sex appeal: -10
I will go ahead and state right now that I will not waste my time (or yours) with any more of the obvious phallic throwaway jokes, you probably thought those up as soon as you clicked on the blog title. I will instead embark upon a premise, so let us suppose we are trying to describe the Pulse to somebody who has never seen it before:

"Okay so if you imagine a small fighter jet, think of what the front of that looks like. No imagine that kind of screwed up looking, with dumb little headlights in the front. Think about a trainer jet falling on a motorcycle and the result of that. The middle part is like, little wings sort of, with outrigger wheels. The back looks like a mashed up French car. Actually the whole thing looks like a total piece of shit, can you picture that clearly?"

The Pulse is for the type of man (let's face it, there is nothing that would attract a woman to the Pulse) that is sick of ordinary cars and ready to go off the deep end and announce to his neighborhood that he is a total feeb. He is really into conspiracy theory and experimental aircraft, and clearly pictures himself as the center of attention and adoration whenever he takes a ride to Restoration Hardware to pick new drawer pulls. He is probably a bachelor or divorcee with at least 6 cats, a musty beard, huge late 80s wire rim glasses, balding. I think he's the type that wears black shoes with a brown belt, or even better, black shoes with blue or brown slacks. He is totally uninformed on every subject of conversation but he doesn't know that and offers his opinions about everything. You hate it when he sits next to you at lunch. If you ask him, he likes the Pulse because it lets people know what kind of man he is, then nods at you and says "if you know what I mean."

Mechanical sex appeal: -9
The Pulse was engineered to be a small commuter, accepting a 400cc motorcycle drivetrain for forward movement and an electric motor to drive in reverse. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the point of experimental cars was to elaborate and expand upon a single concept, not to cobble together several complicated technologies and end up with a sum lesser than the parts. The Pulse was virtually destroyed if one of the outrigger wheels found a pothole, and you were virtually destroyed if you collided with any vehicle other than another Pulse, thanks to very low curb weight, aluminum construction, and absolutely no safety devices save for a seatbelt.

If you somehow managed to get a date, the ride two and from would be filled with nothing but her looking at the back of your stupid dry scalp, probably saying nothing to one another because you are facing in the same direction. Though that fact may be similar to riding tandem on a motorcycle, at least a motorcycle provides some sense of exhiliration and danger. The Pulse only instills fear of being recognized.

Intellectual sex appeal: -10
It is safe to assume that nobody bought a Pulse because it represented sound engineering and conservative styling, like a Toyota. No, Pulse owners were smarter than that, and they needed a way to let everybody know. The fact that buyers of the Pulse are proud of their cars is positively infuriating. There are even Pulse owners' clubs, and people who own more than one Pulse, and people who modify Pulses with flames and the luxury of a water cooled engine. At least before the internet came about, Pulse owners were just about isolated from one another. There has not been a huge propagation of Pulse owner forums, but perhaps that is because Pulse owners are too far up their own asses to use a computer, or they are afraid they are being tracked and will do nothing to expose themselves.

Great personality sex appeal: -10
No. I'm not even going to fill this one in. When you drive a Pulse, you tell everyone that you have virtually nothing in common with them, and you like it that way.

FINAL SCORE: -39

As an independently wealthy and popular internet blog contributor, I feel compelled to warn my many detractors and fans that it is extraordinarily hazardous to view the next 2 (two) mobile birth controls for an extended period of time. Please be sure to use them in well-ventilated areas, and avoid contact with bleach-based cleansers. In the event of eye, skin, or nose irritation, do not induce vomiting and contact a poison control center immediately.

Hit the jump for the full read!

Imagine the Yugo board of directors wading deep in thoughts of perestroika and glasnost, wringing their hands over revisions to the flagging GV, knowing that something had to be done to create interest in a small powerless car, wondering what in the world they could do to get a GV into the decision matrix that included Mustang 5.0s and IROC-Zs.

...Hey, a convertible, why not? Mustang and Camaro had one, that must be the key! Let us put it on the fast track, comrades! Long hood and wide haunches, nyet! Pug styling and small wheels, da!

By now you are probably wondering when we get to my long-winded humorless anecdote about the Yugo GV Cabrio. Unfortunately for you, I have no personal experience with the Yugo GV Cabrio. I've never even seen one in real life. Instead I submit an experience related to me by a classmate from college about a similar car, a Volkswagen Golf Cabrio:

"There was one guy in our group of friends, his dad was like, real friendly you know, and he always wanted us to come over and hang out. That was fine because he let us smoke in the house and sometimes he would let us crash there. Anyway he had a regular car, like a BMW 5 series, and the more we were over there the more we wondered if he was gay, because he just seemed that way. It wasn't like, one big thing, he wasn't real swooshy or flaming, he just seemed gay. One day he came home and he had traded in his 530i on a new Volkswagen Cabrio, and we were all pretty sure at that point, but not seriously. Just like "wow he bought a cabrio, he must be gay." A couple months after that he filed for divorce, left his family, and opened a restaurant with another dude in Dupont Circle [a gay gentrified neighborhood in Washington, D.C.- editor]. So he really was gay, and we felt kind of bad about making so much fun of him because it really messed up their family."

Now I don't really care about gay men driving Cabrios, but if you are a potentially gay male who is thinking of leaving your family, don't think you are fooling anybody by just capriciously bringing home a cabrio of any kind, particularly the Yugo GV.

Can you stand it? Do you think you're big enough for this? You can't handle another round of ratings! You want me on this keyboard, you need me on this keyboard!

Aesthetic sex appeal: -8
Hey, at least it's not an Aztek. But it's not too many steps above a wet refrigerator box on the side of the interstate. The GV is short and chubby with big doors and small wheels, kind of like what I imagine a hobbitt pimp's customized Cadillac to look like. No one looks good in a Yugo, and the top down freedom of a Yugo Cabrio says you really do not give two shits about your appearance. That means you are either a eunuch YMCA counselor or married, and if you are driving a cabrio you are certainly not married, because it's illegal in this country.

Mechanical sex appeal: -9
The GV, like other eastern bloc cars, was actually a design borrowed under license from the Italians. I don't get it honestly, how can Italians crank out Pininfarina Ferraris and Fiats at the same time? Law of averages?

Like other low quality unsafe cars (state-owned stalwarts Fiat and Chery), the Yugo was introduced to the U.S. by businessman Malcolm Bricklin. It is unknown what Bricklin was smoking in the 1980s, but rumor has it that the CIA bought the rights to the substance from Bricklin and introduced it into the ghetto.

The GV (short for Great Value, no kidding) featured a 1.1 liter base model with a 1.3 liter "upgrade" if you really wanted to err on the side of abudance. Even with such a huge, heavy, extravagant engine, a Yugo was once blown completely off the Mackinac Bridge in northern Michigan. I don't know what else I can say.

Intellectual sex appeal: -9
This car is the manifestation of toxic non-biodegradable Yakov Smirnoff jokes that have been hanging in the atmosphere since the late 1980s. If we only knew then what we know now.

Even though the purchase of a Yugo is not indicative of brain death, it can be legally cited for the excecution of last will and testament in many countries. It has been called many things by many scholarly journals, but unfortunately I can't find them. As such we will have to settle for comments from popular kindling like Consumer Reports and Car and Driver, who called the GV "the new disposable car from Bic" and asserted that it "hardly qualified as a car". Consumer Reports has no room to be accusatory given their recent history, and in that way derisive critiques from Consumer Reports are funny in a kitschy way, like staying in and watching reruns of Married With Children and drinking Leinenkugel on a Friday night.

Great personality sex appeal: -10
The first great personality perfect score! I would consider a score of -7 or -8 if a normal GV was being reviewed on account of its city sensibility and undeniable kitsch. However, Yugo tried to pull a fast one and inject some personality into the flaccid, unagreeable standard GV by cutting the top off, attempting to connect man with his need to feel the wind in his hair. Thankfully I was able to save the country (again) with my inflated sense of intellectual and moral superiority, and I have once again shown you that no car company should ever do anything that I don't like.

TOTAL SCORE: -36

BELOW: The rear male Yugo courts the female Yugo in an intricate dance ritual as old as the species itself.

MOBILE BIRTH CONTROL #3

In the event of an erection lasting longer that 4 hours, known medically as priapism, it is necessary to seek professional treatment. But much in the way that popping a Bayer diminishes the effect of a heart attack, quickly producing a photograph or even a crude sketch of the Pontiac Aztek can diminish priapism until qualified medical help can be procured.

I don't know if what I just said is true or not, but the story of the Pontiac Aztek includes the most awful copy ever written about an automobile. Fark went as far to speculate that the release of the Aztek was a sort of suicide pill, intended to drive GM stock down to the point that Toyota would be interested in purchasing majority control. In 2008 that idea is laughable, but in 2000 it was a real possibility.

Even so Pontiac managed to sell roughly 27,000 Azteks, mostly to rental agencies. The other portion was sold either to private parties, or hopefully to scrap yards requiring primer to keep their car crushers running in top condition.

By now you are probably wondering when we get to the funny part. Without further adieu, I prematurely ejaculate upon your black dress MOBILE BIRTH CONTROL #3! Almost there, almost there... uhhhhh. Sorry.

Aesthetic sex appeal: -9
I don't know how to further insult the Pontiac Aztek because there is practically no stone left unturned. Business Week bestowed upon the Aztek the title of "5th ugliest car of the ever made." That means it placed uglier than the Chevrolet Chevette, 1958 Edsel, Chevrolet Vega, AMC Gremlin, and AMC Pacer! That kind of pedigree shows just the type of dog we are dealing with here. The Aztek was produced at the height of Pontiac's regrettable cladding stage and since it's inception, Pontiac has totally abandoned the use of such styling devices.

There is in fact just one possible use for the Aztek that I can imagine. The Aztek was the first of GM's "crossover" vehicles, which combined the functionality of a minivan with the styling of an SUV. We can infer that Azteks were purchased by families, as single males and females typically have judgment unclouded by marriage and or children. The parents of ugly children may in fact purchase an Aztek to redirect attention away from the ugliness of their children, toward the soundness of their financial decisions, much the same way a butterfly fish uses a black dot on its tail to imitate a second eye and confuse predators.

Mechanical Sex Appeal: -6
The Aztek received the benefit of GM's rock solid drivetrain expertise, optional all wheel drive, and an optional 200 horsepower engine. It could hold a full sized sheet of plywood or wallboard. It marked very highly in all customer satisfaction surveys in every category aside of exterior styling.

Once I went on a blind date with a girl who could cook, knew lots about the music I liked, and had a "great personality." Take a wild guess what she looked like. Be creative. I, as an independently wealthy contributor to a popular automotive blog, was insulted, but I stayed the whole date without coming up with a lame excuse, because that was just the right thing to do. Plus I will do just about anything to gain another reader, and she was a captive audience.

Intellectual sex appeal: -8
You are a total dumbass if you think getting behind the wheel an Aztek makes you look more worldly or intelligent in a way that way project your innate sexuality. Sorry. Even really clever and sarcastic Generation X types cannot drive the Aztek in a cynical way that says "I am so sexy, I don't even care what I drive."

That being said, GM did sense the need for a crossover vehicle, and that saves the Aztek's intellectual appeal from a bottom ranking of -10. We'll get to that in the wild card "Great personality" category.

Great personality sex appeal: -6
GM's questionable introduction of the Aztek could be seen as an experiment that did in fact result in a solid hypothesis, that consumers worldwide wanted a larger SUV that had the road manners of a unibody automobile. From an inauspicious start came the most popular platform of vehicles in the last 5 years, the crossover or lifestyle vehicle. Most offer all wheel drive or even true 4 wheel drive, all are spacious, and all are built similar to unibody cars. As such the Aztek was original, and had to be scored accordingly.

FINAL SCORE: -29

Sadly this is the only tent this guy will ever pitch in his Aztek.

My only personal experience with the Renault R5 is that which I received when I was but a boy. Across the street from me in a creepy old victorian house lived a 212 year old woman who sat by a wood burning furnace all day long. I only saw her once, when my mom made me go in to ask permission to ride my bike in her yard. She offered me some ribbon candy and told me to look out for her car, the inauspicious Renault R5. I didn't really need to look out for it because it had been parked in the same place as long as I had been alive. It looked like a rotten tomato sitting in her front yard, red, faded, broken down, rejected as scrap and maybe 10 years old. When a 7 year old boy knows that your car is a pile of shit, you haven't much hope. But she was 212 anyway, so what difference does it make? There was probably dust and cobwebs in her veins.

Revolting personal stories aside, an interesting aspect of the R5 is that the ever-conniving Renault ad agency shows tons of kids in this press kit photo, as if to say "check out all the f-trophies you'll get if you buy this car!" Little did they know that 30 years later, I would come along and expose their ad as the sinful falsehood it is.

Anyway, onto the meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary style of automotive review. Click on the "Continue Reading" to read in full!


MOBILE BIRTH CONTROL #4 !!!!!!!!!!

Aesthetic sex appeal: -8
The highest aesthetically rated car so far earned a ranking of -6 because it CAN be made to look sort of cool in full Group B rally trim [see below- ed.] That being said, the only model that we as Americans got to see looks like the clown car pictured above, and as such I strike my iron fist down upon it to condemn it as "mobile birth control". It has 12" wheels and half a pair of wheel pants in the back. Bravo, Renault. Or is that Bravault? Whatever.

Maybe it could go for the "cute" angle, which means a girl might look cute driving it, but Renault went to the same pug nose hatchback well that Honda used up in 1972 with the CVCC. Some people say that "CVCC" means "consonant-vowel-consonant-consonant", the syntax for many of America's most popular dirty words.

Not surprisingly, R5 designer Michel Boue died before the car was released. Natural causes or death before dishonor? You be the judge.

Mechanical sex appeal: -8
When you mash the gas in the R5 you have to be sure you have it pointed in the right direction, not because the 55 horse supermini would get away from you but because you wanted to make sure the parts from the subsequent explosion would go in a direction that would not endanger innocent bystanders.

In order to appeal to the U.S. market, the R5 was engineered with a floor shifter; barely remarkable until you consider the European versions were column shifted. That means Europeans, unlike their American cousins, couldn't even cop a feel when their hands "slipped off" the shifter, unless they were trying to cop a feel on themselves.

Intellectual sex appeal: -7
Gas mileage and ease of use in city settings sends the R5's stock soaring with a perfect score of 0! How did it get a -6, you ask?
The R5 was a French car (-1) manufactured in Slovenia (-3) and sold at AMC dealerships (-3). This is the marketing equivalent of shitting the bed.

Great personality sex appeal: -5
Despite its faults, the R5 was sick in Group B rally events and all in all good for people who had to deal with driving in the city. I will leave you with a shot of the R5 in its group B trim. Disagree with me.