"OK, let me start off by saying this Pontiac is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this GTO would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by roughneck, crocodile killing, dingo screwing, shrimp on the barbie Fosters drinking Aussies to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 410 RWHP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The GOAT also has a six speed transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time getting 23MPG. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the three hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by Al Qaeda.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $15,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 59,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants."

I'm looking for an ugly girl to model for my car. Seriously.

You need to be uglier than the famous "Integra girl"

I'm jealous of both of you assholes with your own ugly girl. When do I get my own?

My requirements:
-extremely obese (or extremely skinny will do)
-nappy, fucked up, greasy hair
-no prior modeling expertise
-18+. I don't fucking want Chris Hansen showing up at my door

1967 mustang coupe 302 stock engine automatic. Blue flake paint with white decals. 22"inch incubus virus chrome rims. Air shocks in back to raise frame to make clearance for tires. Lambo doors and side rails to extend the look of the body. Also has ground effect lights and antenna thats l.e.d. Chrome steering wheel and pedals. Will send more pics and video of engine running to those that are interested. Make me an offer. No trades please.

1994 Ford Taurus SHO (Baller Status v2.0) - $1600

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Reply to: sale-565710523@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-07, 1:50AM EST


Congratulations, you have just clicked on the most bad ass listing ever to grace the Western MD Craigslist page.

Up for sale today is a 1994 Taurus SHO. Unlike most Ford products, this car

1. Runs.
2. Moves forward.
3. Stops when you hit the middle of the pedals on the drivers side floorboard.

I'm guessing its because the engine was made by Yamaha, although the extensive maintenance and lack of a 17 y/o owner might have played a part in this feat as well.

Turning can be tricky (if you are a female on a cell phone) - otherwise it does turn as well as any other 3400 pound sedan.

Now at this point you might be asking yourself "why do I want a 14y/o Taurus." The answer to this is because its awesome. There is simply no better explanation. This car eats rocks and shits lightning bolts. You do not want to drive this car if you are elderly, have a heart condition, are pregnant, or are allergic to testosterone. After some research I learned that the car's previous owners include Peter North, Chuck Norris and Dracula (not the gay dude in the 1946 version either.) The ladies love this car and the cops cant touch it - it's like Marlon Brando (except it only costs $1600.)

Now I want to stress a few things that people seem to have missed in my more serious articles

a. Its a 5-speed. Standard transmission. A manual. It has a clutch. It is not an automatic. So don't ask a stupid question like "is it an automatic?" because its not.

b. I am not interested in trading you for a 1981 Ford Escort that was last run in 1987 and has been sitting on your farm for the past 21 years. I am not going to give you the car for $312 and 54 cents. I am willing to consider trades if it is not an incredible POS though.

c. The car is not currently MD state inspected. It was 6 months ago when I bought it though. If you want to buy a car that has been inspected, has functional AC, full leather, navigation, a 2000w stereo and a 7-speed automatic, go to a dealership with about 100k dollars. If you want a car that will get you to work and not catch on fire then shoot me an email.

d. I am not going to accept checks from Nigeria or boxes of pizza as payment options. I am not going to give you a payment plan on a $1600 car. American dollars are acceptable though. If you are a hot female maybe we can work something else out.

e. Yes, the car does run and drive just fine. It has well over 2g of new parts (brakes, tires, suspension, stereo). It is NOT a new car - it doesn't look like a new car, it has 148k miles, get over it. If you are looking for a new car go buy a new car. 1994 was a long time ago. If you want a sweet 220hp sedan that will blow the doors off your classmates civic then this is the car for you.

IF you have somehow managed to make it this far in this listing - congratulations, go smoke a cigarette and then steal the $1600 your wife has been saving for new lamps and curtains (because if you are stupid enough to think you are getting away with just new lamps and curtains you are wrong. All of a sudden the dishwasher needs replacement, then the roof, then your dog - it just never ends) and head on down to Adam's SHO emporium - the home of the $1600 SHO.

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EDIT: It seems a few people have seen this ad floating around, so I would like to take the time to clear up a few things not expressed in the ad's original form and answer a few questions. I would also like to thank Craigslist for removing my original iteration of this ad - I appreciated it (no, really, I did.)

1. As I stated in the original ad, the car IS NOT MD INSPECTED. It is NOT ILLEGAL for me to sell it in this manor because I am a private seller, not a dealership. No, I'm not going to put a $1600 car through MD inspection on my dime after you have tried to offer me $900 for it.

2. If you call me to set up an appointment to see the car, please do one of these 3 things:
a. Show up.
b. Call me to tell me you are not coming if you are not coming.
c. Castrate yourself with a cheese grater and do the human race a favor. I do have other things to do occasionally.


Now to the Q&A:

Q: You say the car "handles as well as any other 3400lb sedan"... ever heard of a BMW M5?
A: This car would sodomize a BMW M5, make it conceive it's illegitimate child (ever seen an Infinity Q45?) and then dump its mother's lifeless shell in a gutter. Afterwards, it would smoke a cigarette and laugh about it later to all it's SHO friends.

Q: Consider a trade for my grandmothers four door maverick and a faux members only jacket?
A: Does the jacket come with your grandmother? Maybe we can make some sort of trade + cash + "other services."

Q: Does the car have a stick or automatic? :-)
A: Actually I made a mistake in the original article - the car has a 21-speed dual detailer Shimanno gear-set grafted off a 22" Huffy mountain bike I had lying around. Take that Mercedes!