This is it, the end of the line. You can't go back and you can't go any farther, you're just here. There is nothing around you; no dark, no light, no air to breathe, no sound to hear. It's just nothingness.
This is the single car that will absolutely thwart any possibility of sexiness while driving.
When I was in high school they opened the first Spaghetti Warehouse in Virginia, and as luck would have it, the terrible franchise restaurant opened just a few miles from my house. Of course there were no actual warehouses there, so they had to first erect a brand new building and then make it look like an old, used up warehouse by bricking over the windows. Good call guys. Authenticity is one thing, but faking authenticity is one sure fire way to fail.
In order to generate even more interest than a used up warehouse in a shopping center would generate, the manager bought an Owosso Pulse and parked it outside on the sidewalk. From the first moment I saw it, I knew that it was the least sexually appealing car I had ever seen in my life. I used to joke about surprising my prom date by showing up in the poxy little dildo car instead of a limousine. We agreed that would be the dumbest thing ever, because the Pulse is the dumbest car ever.
If you are not inclined to agree with me, I have prepared an indexed review of the Owosso Pulse's many shortcomings, and I advise you to quit your position forthwith.
Aesthetic sex appeal: -10
I will go ahead and state right now that I will not waste my time (or yours) with any more of the obvious phallic throwaway jokes, you probably thought those up as soon as you clicked on the blog title. I will instead embark upon a premise, so let us suppose we are trying to describe the Pulse to somebody who has never seen it before:
"Okay so if you imagine a small fighter jet, think of what the front of that looks like. No imagine that kind of screwed up looking, with dumb little headlights in the front. Think about a trainer jet falling on a motorcycle and the result of that. The middle part is like, little wings sort of, with outrigger wheels. The back looks like a mashed up French car. Actually the whole thing looks like a total piece of shit, can you picture that clearly?"
The Pulse is for the type of man (let's face it, there is nothing that would attract a woman to the Pulse) that is sick of ordinary cars and ready to go off the deep end and announce to his neighborhood that he is a total feeb. He is really into conspiracy theory and experimental aircraft, and clearly pictures himself as the center of attention and adoration whenever he takes a ride to Restoration Hardware to pick new drawer pulls. He is probably a bachelor or divorcee with at least 6 cats, a musty beard, huge late 80s wire rim glasses, balding. I think he's the type that wears black shoes with a brown belt, or even better, black shoes with blue or brown slacks. He is totally uninformed on every subject of conversation but he doesn't know that and offers his opinions about everything. You hate it when he sits next to you at lunch. If you ask him, he likes the Pulse because it lets people know what kind of man he is, then nods at you and says "if you know what I mean."
Mechanical sex appeal: -9
The Pulse was engineered to be a small commuter, accepting a 400cc motorcycle drivetrain for forward movement and an electric motor to drive in reverse. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the point of experimental cars was to elaborate and expand upon a single concept, not to cobble together several complicated technologies and end up with a sum lesser than the parts. The Pulse was virtually destroyed if one of the outrigger wheels found a pothole, and you were virtually destroyed if you collided with any vehicle other than another Pulse, thanks to very low curb weight, aluminum construction, and absolutely no safety devices save for a seatbelt.
If you somehow managed to get a date, the ride two and from would be filled with nothing but her looking at the back of your stupid dry scalp, probably saying nothing to one another because you are facing in the same direction. Though that fact may be similar to riding tandem on a motorcycle, at least a motorcycle provides some sense of exhiliration and danger. The Pulse only instills fear of being recognized.
Intellectual sex appeal: -10
It is safe to assume that nobody bought a Pulse because it represented sound engineering and conservative styling, like a Toyota. No, Pulse owners were smarter than that, and they needed a way to let everybody know. The fact that buyers of the Pulse are proud of their cars is positively infuriating. There are even Pulse owners' clubs, and people who own more than one Pulse, and people who modify Pulses with flames and the luxury of a water cooled engine. At least before the internet came about, Pulse owners were just about isolated from one another. There has not been a huge propagation of Pulse owner forums, but perhaps that is because Pulse owners are too far up their own asses to use a computer, or they are afraid they are being tracked and will do nothing to expose themselves.
Great personality sex appeal: -10
No. I'm not even going to fill this one in. When you drive a Pulse, you tell everyone that you have virtually nothing in common with them, and you like it that way.
FINAL SCORE: -39