MOBILE BIRTH CONTROL #3
In the event of an erection lasting longer that 4 hours, known medically as priapism, it is necessary to seek professional treatment. But much in the way that popping a Bayer diminishes the effect of a heart attack, quickly producing a photograph or even a crude sketch of the Pontiac Aztek can diminish priapism until qualified medical help can be procured.
I don't know if what I just said is true or not, but the story of the Pontiac Aztek includes the most awful copy ever written about an automobile. Fark went as far to speculate that the release of the Aztek was a sort of suicide pill, intended to drive GM stock down to the point that Toyota would be interested in purchasing majority control. In 2008 that idea is laughable, but in 2000 it was a real possibility.
Even so Pontiac managed to sell roughly 27,000 Azteks, mostly to rental agencies. The other portion was sold either to private parties, or hopefully to scrap yards requiring primer to keep their car crushers running in top condition.
By now you are probably wondering when we get to the funny part. Without further adieu, I prematurely ejaculate upon your black dress MOBILE BIRTH CONTROL #3! Almost there, almost there... uhhhhh. Sorry.
Aesthetic sex appeal: -9
I don't know how to further insult the Pontiac Aztek because there is practically no stone left unturned. Business Week bestowed upon the Aztek the title of "5th ugliest car of the ever made." That means it placed uglier than the Chevrolet Chevette, 1958 Edsel, Chevrolet Vega, AMC Gremlin, and AMC Pacer! That kind of pedigree shows just the type of dog we are dealing with here. The Aztek was produced at the height of Pontiac's regrettable cladding stage and since it's inception, Pontiac has totally abandoned the use of such styling devices.
There is in fact just one possible use for the Aztek that I can imagine. The Aztek was the first of GM's "crossover" vehicles, which combined the functionality of a minivan with the styling of an SUV. We can infer that Azteks were purchased by families, as single males and females typically have judgment unclouded by marriage and or children. The parents of ugly children may in fact purchase an Aztek to redirect attention away from the ugliness of their children, toward the soundness of their financial decisions, much the same way a butterfly fish uses a black dot on its tail to imitate a second eye and confuse predators.
Mechanical Sex Appeal: -6
The Aztek received the benefit of GM's rock solid drivetrain expertise, optional all wheel drive, and an optional 200 horsepower engine. It could hold a full sized sheet of plywood or wallboard. It marked very highly in all customer satisfaction surveys in every category aside of exterior styling.
Once I went on a blind date with a girl who could cook, knew lots about the music I liked, and had a "great personality." Take a wild guess what she looked like. Be creative. I, as an independently wealthy contributor to a popular automotive blog, was insulted, but I stayed the whole date without coming up with a lame excuse, because that was just the right thing to do. Plus I will do just about anything to gain another reader, and she was a captive audience.
Intellectual sex appeal: -8
You are a total dumbass if you think getting behind the wheel an Aztek makes you look more worldly or intelligent in a way that way project your innate sexuality. Sorry. Even really clever and sarcastic Generation X types cannot drive the Aztek in a cynical way that says "I am so sexy, I don't even care what I drive."
That being said, GM did sense the need for a crossover vehicle, and that saves the Aztek's intellectual appeal from a bottom ranking of -10. We'll get to that in the wild card "Great personality" category.
Great personality sex appeal: -6
GM's questionable introduction of the Aztek could be seen as an experiment that did in fact result in a solid hypothesis, that consumers worldwide wanted a larger SUV that had the road manners of a unibody automobile. From an inauspicious start came the most popular platform of vehicles in the last 5 years, the crossover or lifestyle vehicle. Most offer all wheel drive or even true 4 wheel drive, all are spacious, and all are built similar to unibody cars. As such the Aztek was original, and had to be scored accordingly.
FINAL SCORE: -29
Sadly this is the only tent this guy will ever pitch in his Aztek.
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